A Nip and a Tuck

Morgan Tramontana, pictured left, and J.A. Thueson are tending to the nuances of the new Toledo Lounge, the 18-year-old institutiton that is receiving a nip and tuck, although not a nip and tuck in the dramatic fashion of Burt Reynolds, who has become Asian right before America’s mostly uncut eyes.  It is their objective to create a space that appeals to the masses: to the young and old, the hipsters and geeks, the douche bags and frat boys, those who cannot taste the alcohol and the tourists with five cameras dangling from their necks, and everyone else, especially everyone else. The new Toledo promises to be both edgy and oh-so boring, eclectic and sterile, to have a certain character but no soul, for it will be a faith-free zone. Better yet, the new Toledo promises to feature restrooms that have been restored to their previous pungency, plus have a Don’s John stationed on the patio in celebration of the recently completed streetscape project. Seriously, people ask: “Why do birds fly south?” Because it is too far to walk, you silly person you. “I think patrons really will be pleased with what we are seeking to achieve with the space,” Tramontana says. “We are in the process of telling a story, and it is a story about you, and it is a story about me, and really, it is a story about all of us. I look forward to seeing you on opening night and in all the days and nights ahead. I also want to take this time to thank my parents, who made it all possible, my adorable son, Mr. Auslander, Ms. Bowman — she is really, really tall, by the way — and, of course, Mr. Thueson, our lovable project director. I thank you one and all. I will be seeing everyone real soon.”